I’ve been sitting on this one for awhile, I’m not going to lie. I just wasn’t sure how to start it, and then just decided to go for it.

As you may, or may not know, I am a Celtic Pagan and a Witch, and also a Conservative. Things that don’t seem to fit together very well in the world we currently live in. And, I’ll be honest, it’s hard to reconcile these parts of myself with each other, and that’s really what I wanted to talk about…or, I guess “vent about” is probably more appropriate. Let’s start with setting the mood.

One side, I imagine, is practically shouting that I simply can’t be all of these things, because they’re contradictory, and that, if I believe in what I believe, then my soul will rot for eternity. The other side is equally as loud, insisting that I simply can’t be all of these things, because the ideals I’m espousing are equivalent to evil, and, if I am, then I’m bigoted and internalizing some imagined oppression, and that I just ought to “know better.”

Let me ask you something.

Have you ever been so sure that you’re on the right path, spiritually, but then also experienced crippling self-doubt due to societal expectations or norms? Or maybe it’s expectations or pressure (whether real or imagined) from your family? Maybe you’re super worried about how your choices may impact your family, and you’re just trying to think of an easier way for them. It could even be that you’re worried you might be going crazy. If any of this sounds familiar, or resonates, let me first assure you that you are not alone, and that I’m currently going through the exact same things.

One of the hardest parts of this, I think, is that I can’t seem to find any kind of discussion on this phenomenon, which can increase any already existing feelings of isolation. It’s almost like we don’t want to talk about it. I found it funny, though, that anything that came close to what I was looking for, came from a Christian perspective.

This could easily be an aspect of spiritual burnout, if I’m being honest (I am, by no means, an expert), but this hits differently. I’m not necessarily exhausted, especially not with the spiritual path I’ve chosen to walk. I don’t feel overworked, or overbooked, not in the spiritual department. If anything, with my busy schedule, I’ve become more distant from my path, and am constantly scrambling to find time to fit in even a quick prayer to my deities or a 10-minute meditation. And forget being able to leave even weekly offerings for my deities and ancestors at this point.

Cue the crippling self-doubt. When I have even one free moment, it kicks into high gear and makes me question…well, everything. I even went so far as to ask Manoans if he thought that I should convert to Christianity, just to make things easier on the Witchling when she gets older. Needless to say, he was surprised, and immediately cast off the idea. It doesn’t help that, recently, someone close to me said that they worried about me with all “this witchcraft stuff” that I’m “interested” in, and that witchcraft can be dangerous, so I’d better be careful. I nodded along, and didn’t promise anything other than that I would be careful. My husband cast this off, too, saying that it came from a place of love and concern, but that I shouldn’t read into it any further than that. There are other days where my mind tells me that I’m just going crazy. Sometimes, especially on these days, I both yearn for and admire Manoans’ easy confidence on this matter.

Most of what I’m looking to do with this post, I guess, is to let you know, if you are also experiencing whatever this is, that I am here for you, and you are not alone. The best — and really, the only — tip I have for you at this time, is to breathe through it, and to talk to someone about it, someone who will understand (as best they can). And if you feel you have no one that would understand, I will.

Blessed be, my lovelies.